To have and to hold

So today I get a home visit for the weekend
finally! A break from the inmates
I wish I had a normal life
I wish I didn’t have bruises on my ankles and wrists
Nor a black eye
And even painful scars on my bottom
I wish I wasn’t a caged animal
I wish I could rewind the clock to 5 years ago
I wish I didn’t have 40 left to serve
I got 45 to life
sometimes I get a little upset with myself
a little irritated
a little frustrated
a little dizzy
a little hazy
a little bored
I even try praying to the lord
nothing worked
the many drugs I sold
the many bills I stole
the many departments I controlled
yet, I still wasn’t happy
I decided to hurt and kill
I felt the rush
My spine tingling
my hands shaking
my brain racing
it was all an urge
to emerge from the dirt
I remember standing in front of the judge
I remember being given a 2nd chance to dip and flip the script
I remember walking away with fright and joy
yet, I still didn’t obey the court’s wishes
so I did what I did best
I became a addictive criminal
It became a habit
I was
someone you cannot catch with one hand
someone you cannot pay a grand to come back in

I found myself back where I started
in front of the judge again
I remember being given one last shot
but instead I decided to make the blocks hot
I decided to begin my obedience which didn’t take a lot
I felt that rush again flowing through my 20 year old body
my emotions got the best of me, so I did what I did on the basis that were regularly
I stole
I killed
I gained some bills
the weapons I fired and
Now you see why I never get hired
I found myself back to square 2
which was originally square 1
but I have created a 3rd
square in which I call square 2
because square 2 is square 1
and square 1 is where I’m at
in front of the judge assuming to gain another chance
But no, I got life not my life,
but another life
a life where I have to follow many difficult and disciplined rules
that also comes with a shared room, and shackles.
I looked up at the sky and thought about it
the many chance I blew, I could’ve bought my life to renew
the first and last tear scrolled down my face
it printed and and turned white like paint.
how can I not understand
what life is about?
it’s not about the lies
it not about committing crimes.
and because these silly actions of mine
I will be here forever doing time.
I wish I had a normal life
I wish I didn’t have bruises on my ankles and wrists
Nor a black eye
And even painful scars on my bottom
I wish I wasn’t a caged animal
I wish I can rewind the clock to 5 years ago
I wish I didn’t have 40 left to serve
yet, this is all just a lesson learned.
I’ll be 64 when I’m out
I hope when I’m free
Mom and dad will be alive to see me.

Copyright© Kiah-kay Holman, 2013

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