Born Again Virgin

I am a 22 year old woman who was once

a virgin that had a very best friend that

died at 16

When I was 12 my mother and grandmother

took me to church almost everyday

They wanted to make sure the

Love from god and angels

Were my only future

They wanted to make sure

No harm or men

Would come about

They wanted to make sure

God was the only man

I ever knew and loved

Their assumptions were

Wrong, terribly wrong

when I turned 16 I met a friend

Who was quite the opposite on one hand

I was fascinated with her life

she was cool

She was tight

She had everything that I didn’t

That I liked

I didn’t like wearing the low hair buns

long skirts

or button up shirts

one day my new cool friend and I ditched class

We crept out the classroom door

ran down the halls

Ran left

Then down the stairs

ran right

ran down the halls once more

And there we were at the door

I stopped

I said

“I don’t think this is a very good idea, maybe I should stay”

She said

“yeah. Maybe you should stay and get caught because your out of class with no pass”

Off we went, through the doors and out to the open

we went to a handsome dropout boys house

And there were many other guys

we partied

We laughed

We drank

We smoked

And we danced to loud music

That I didn’t know the name of

and wasn’t once curious about

She tapped me and says

“I’ll be back”

Then I watched her go into a room of older guys

and shut the door behind her

“mind your own business, she’ll be fine go

have a few more drinks, and relax”

A older guy said

He looked like he was in his mid 20s

I didn’t care what he looked like

Just as long as he was right

I poured another drink

and looked at the time it was after 8

My mother had rung my phone several times

I was too afraid to call back

Or answer when she called again

I started hearing low fussing

Like someone was upset but not angry

It was just too much noise for me

So I sat my cup down

And crept off to the bathroom

It was quiet

in fact it was so quiet it worried me

I was in there for so long

I began to think

“did they leave me?”

Suddenly I heard a loud bang.

I was breathing hard

I began to sweat

My hands got hot

My enlarged eyes felt dry

because I didn’t blink

My shoulders were tense

My forehead throbbed without a headache

My friend didn’t have a phone

My phone was near my cup

Questions filled my head of panic

I took one step forward

touched the knob and twisted it

It only went so far

I twisted it once more


I jiggled it

Still nothing…

“they locked me in! But what have I done wrong?”

My heart started racing

My legs felt weak

By that time my hair poofed up

I had sweat it out

I got inside the tub

and sat in it

I closed the curtain

I prayed

And prayed

And prayed

Then suddenly

there was this soft knock on the door

I peeped around the curtain

and stared at the door

Someone had knocked again

very hard

I stood up got out of the tub

Stared again

I heard my name in a demanding voice

I started to tremble

I looked around for a vent

I seen one on the ceiling

I tried to grip my hand on towel hanging on the hooks

Then I moved them and seen a knob

“another door?”

I cracked it open there I seen my friend

Naked on edge of the bed beaten to death

I took a deep breath

praying she was somehow still breathing 

She was my friend and my way home

I walked through the room quietly

And a cold, hard, ashy hand

grabbed my mouth from behind

He whispered “I told you to mind your own business, I knew you weren’t a good listener”

He pushed my friend off the bed

I screeched

He pushed me on the bed

I tried to run for the other door where my friend

Walked in but never out

By the time I got off the king sized bed

He yelled for two others

They met me at the door

One had the gun and he closed the door

The other said “we can do this simply or challenging”

The handsome dropout boy walked closer along with the other guy

Together the two of them did bad things to me

They have taken apart of me

my father had told me many times to keep

I was hit dozen of times for yelling

Eventually my voice had run out

My throat was parched

So I remained silent

I looked at the guy standing at the door

With the gun watching me

He scolded me

So I shut my eyes

I kept my eyes closed tightly

while my body was being taken advantage of

My body was flipped around

And around again

My legs were spread open

I was in pain

My breasts were out because my shirt was torn

I had no idea where my pants were

I began to cry

A warm sensation

fell down the side of my face

And turned cold and later dried up

The guy with the hard hands said

“next time mind your business”

The guy at the door said

“there won’t be a next time”

He held the gun up to me

But the handsome dropout guy

who was now ugly to me stopped it

He said

“since you want to be alive and don’t want to die you better survive”

I had no idea what it meant

They forced me in a truck

and drove away

It was dark, I was naked and scared again

I was in the truck for at least 30 minutes

Until they stopped

My first instincts were to run

But when they opened the door

He blocked my way, making it

Impossible to run

They pulled me out

Opened a honey bun

And shoved it in my mouth

They pulled out duck tape

taped my wrists together then taped my mouth

One pulled out a shovel

I thought he was going to

hit me with it

But instead

he dug a hole

While digging, I was trying

to yell

But I couldn’t

so apparently I was only making noise

I was shaking my head in fear

They grabbed me but they

had trouble dragging me

I was determined to plant my feet

To the ground but

I didn’t succeed

I was pushed into the deep muddy hole.

As they threw dirt on me, I voluntarily crouched down

I was pretty much curled up

I turned my head

I looked up at god I said

“tell my enemy I hate her, I wanted to stay at school”

They threw about six more scoops of dirt on me

to cover my face

That was it.

They were going to kill me alive

by burying me

I thought about a lot of things

Like who are these guys?

I thought about my mother

my grandmother and 

my future in that hole.

I loved my family so much

I tried to picture them

At my funeral

But my gut and heart

Wouldn’t allow me

to die

I tried to apologize to my father

For disobeying him

But there was no point

Because he couldn’t

See his little girl

Through the dirt

I wanted to see him again

But it was like

God sent a message

to my soul saying

“do not float up, stay down”

For that,  I became angry

I wanted to die

I started humming

My favorite gospel music

Imagining myself

in my fathers preacher chair

Back at church

Somehow I managed to gain and keep

faith and proved to those boys

Their wrong I am alive and I will stay

Im just below earth

I tried to wiggle

But the dirt was

severely heavy

So I gave up on moving

I knew Days went by

because during the day

the dirt was warm

At night it was cooler

It did that multiple times so

I know that I was there

For quite a while

One day

I felt the dirt get warm

So warm it warmed my cold skin

But then

I felt the ground shake

Something pressed heavily

upon the hole I was buried in

I felt it and

I heard loud noises

So I guess I wasn’t

Buried that deep at all

The dirt moved around and

That heavy object came again

dirt moved around again

Then a peek of sunlight beamed on my face

Things got very still and quiet

For about three seconds

“STOP THE CRANE” someone yelled

Nothing came to thought

I was so shocked

I thought no one would ever

Find me

Who ever that was,

They dug and dug and dug

Until my dirty naked body was exposed

I crack open my eyes I looked at him

He had a bright green

Vest on that looked like a jersey

With a white shirt underneath

I looked at him

Puzzled but in shock

I looked at the sky

“thank you my lord”

“CALL 911!” the man yelled again

He left me in the dirt hole

Along with the tape until the police came

When they did come I was still staring

At my hero

the police and ambulance

took me to the hospital

Again I was in the truck

For a longer period of time.

When I arrived

They put me in a room

And the nurses came

It was very clear to them

that I had been raped

that I had been beaten

 and left for dead

They cleaned me up

And put a paper-like dress on me.

After I was cleaned up

I recieved an I.V then

A nurse came in with a tray of food

I sat up

It hurt my back to on situp

Because when I was buried, I was balled up

Like a baby in the womb,

I ate the food like

a starving kid would

The last thing I ate was

that shoved honey bun in my mouth

I looked at the calendar on the wall


I was with my friend three weeks ago

So the last time I ate

was three weeks ago.

Yes, I was buried for three weeks.

The nurses left

a police officer came in and asked questions

As if I had murdered someone

I had nothing to say although

I knew what happened

But there was no point of

Telling because I didn’t have

Any names to give

I was still scared but

not scared enough to eat

I eventually told the officer two days later 

The officer brought me a surprise

something I thought I would

never see again for an exchange 

my mother…

she rushed in

Nudging the officer

She said “thank god you’re ok”

Little did she know I already have

Then again I knew I would never be ok

This will haunt me

for the rest of my life

I also knew

I’ll be stuck in the house for the rest of my life

but I was okay with that for once

Now here I am 22 years old, with my 6 year old daughter, back in my same old church.

I let my daughter sit in my father’s chair.

As we call it the preachers chair

Now, I know you’re supposed to get baptized as a baby in which I was but I was baptized again

I was also born again

…I am a born again daughter



And virgin

My message to you is “ follow your own first mind it’s always right. Don’t listen to your second mind, It’ll always take you left. Remain what you are and be proud. Friends are bad but your friend’s friends are the worst. Being too far away from home is scary, please be careful”.

Copyright© Kiah-kay Holman, 2015


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