Invalid Courage

My brain has failed me

All I do is take and sell drugs and

fail my tests and quizzes at school.

I hang with bad people all day and night with

No body to motivate me because none of our thinking is bright.

My mom gave up, she closed the door on me.

I turned to my homies, they gave me a blunt so I can inhale it.

The way they rolled it was perfect

Not one wrinkle, crease or rip

It was just as perfect as a mcdonald’s straw.

I inhaled and felt nothing.

The pain of emotionally losing the only person that ever gave a damn, hurted so bad, the weed wasn’t even toughening.

It went in, went down, went all around, but yet I still wasn’t high.

Well not high enough.

I smoke so much I cannot tell whether I’m

High or sober.

I had about 100 billion brain cells.

All the dope ive smoked throughout my ages, killed over a million

And left me with a thousand.

The doctor says now, I’m at one hundred.

Weed led me to a high school dropout, a high school dropout led me to gang banging, gang banging led me here in the hospital.

I was only acting tough to the wrong people, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, now I’m paralyzed from the neck down.

They shot me right on the spine.

My mom came to see me and broke down.

I couldn’t move to even hug her.

There was love, hate and hurt all in one hug, I felt it.

It was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

It ran through me so fast my heart stopped

My brain that was over half dead stopped working and my body shut down.

It was temporary because I felt cold metal on my back and

that cold metal shocked me back into life.

I looked at my mother one more time, she told me ‘I forgive you’.

She read the sorrow from my face.

All of this led from one inhale of a blunt

You know what the sad part is?

I’m on life support. I developed brain cancer.

My brain is 89% percent dead already.

My mother gripped my hand and said ‘I’ll always be here with you’.

I scanned the room and seen none of my friends,

I thought they were my homies, I guess not.

Suddenly it was lights out…

‘Mom if you can hear me through my thoughts I’m sorry,

I should’ve listened. I’ll always be with you too. I love you’

My question to you before I go is, “is this what you really want?

I didn’t see the age of 21 I’m only 17, If you don’t change, I’ll see you soon… here in heaven. Rest in peace to the both of us.”

Copyright © Kiah-kay Holman, 2015


11 thoughts on “Invalid Courage

  1. Kiah, my favorite lines in this poem are: “The way they rolled it was perfect / Not one crease, wrinkle or rip / It was just as perfect as a mcdonald’s straw.” Comparing the blunt to a McDonald’s straw seems the perfect comparison for the urban setting of the poem and because the circumference of both is roughly the same…or so I’ve heard.

    Liked by 2 people

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